my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
