Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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