Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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