i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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