We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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