i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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