My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
