I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
