I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
