Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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