and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
