I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
