I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
