i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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