I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
