I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
