I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
