just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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