Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
