I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
