mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
