Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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