so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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