This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We got so high we made milksteak
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
