Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
