I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
