Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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