Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sorry about my life...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
