i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
