i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
