put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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