it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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