i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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