Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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