I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
