Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
