You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
