Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
