Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
