I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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