i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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