Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
