Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
