I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
