I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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