At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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