I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
