I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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