you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
