Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
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