I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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