was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...