Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse