Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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