Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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