he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
