Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
