I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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